OK, so I am not going to write down all the gumpf about why I shouldn’t be on an anti-depressant, why their dangerous and this unrealistic expectation that once your on them, your MUST come off them as quickly as possible. That’s all I seem to read on google when my irrational Amagdyla kicks in
I am fortunate to have private health and sought the immediate support of a psychiatrist. 5 years later and having been put on Effexor XR, I can honestly say it saved my life. Yes, the first few months were tough and I took lorazepam intermittently, but it took the edge of my worrying about sleep and that taking this drug was acceptable. I did try to come off after a year, but that a huge fail…….anyway……
April 4th 2018, life is good and has been for past 5 years. I spent the last 12 months at the small dose of 37.5mg. In the last 2 weeks, I reduced to 22mg (I think, as the capsule has three small tablets in it…and I took 2), to 12mg (ish, as just the one tablet). April 4th…..stopped. April 5th……….the thoughts / feelings / sleep deprivation of 5 years ago came rushing back and I have been a mess for the past week. What makes me angry is I know deep down it’s the ‘fear’ of going alone without meds, but I am sure you know, when your flight or fight is in full swing, there aint a lot you can do to rationalize those thoughts. It’s like my long term memory has reared it’s head and my mind is thinking ‘oh no, not sleeping, shaking, adrenaline…just like 5 years ago………..and I can’t shake it.
So here’s where I ask for your sound words (I see my doctor beginning May) and if I made the right choice. I took control. On the 7th April, I re-started Venla at 37.5mg and yes, the anxiety has lessened (not entirely and I stil supplement with Loraz ad hoc), but I think ‘why the hell did I stop if I had no side effects, life was wonderful and I am such a small dose as 37.5 (even OK on 12mg, as not thinking about, but comforted by the fact I taking ‘something’. It’s almost placebo.
So I ask myself, if I need to stay on a very small maintenance dose for the rest of my life, then so be it right? Life is too short? Option a) have constant anxiety, not focus on the kids…buy hey, not on pills or b) Take a very small dose with my porridge every morning and get on with life. I eat well, run, enjoy life with no side effects, so why not? Life’s a journey right?
Perhaps I will try again in a couple of years time, but I’ll certainly taper over a MUCH longer period and have counseling as I go through it……but then again, do I want this and have the sleepless nights / insomnia come rushing back again. I’m on meds – ACCEPT and get on right?
Thanks for reading. xx